I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
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How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
this is me
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I want what they have
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Chicken bread