I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
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Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?