I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
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Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Every time my phone rings
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.