I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
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me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”