I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

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Even the coffee is leaving a bad taste in my mouth. Wait…am I being poisoned?

*drinks it anyway*


Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.


I really don’t mind having gray hair. But why do they have to grow all wild?! Like just be calm like the rest of my hair


I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.


As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.


I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?


Two men came to the door asking if I’d found Jesus.

I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.


Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”


Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.


Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?