@TheBenHoyle

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

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@kwirkyKerri

Even the coffee is leaving a bad taste in my mouth. Wait…am I being poisoned?

*drinks it anyway*

@tawlo

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

@itsmebeegee07

I really don’t mind having gray hair. But why do they have to grow all wild?! Like just be calm like the rest of my hair

@AntozWolf

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

@bingowings14

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

@GingerHotDish

I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?

@realHamOnWry

Two men came to the door asking if I’d found Jesus.

I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.

@LucyLouMcB

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

@MomOnFire

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?