Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I use Google Earth to see which yards have milkshakes.
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1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Tell me
– U should know
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
*handsome, young man walks up*
Me-Hold it Jr. Yes, I’m sexy. But young guys aren’t my thing.
HYM-You’ve toilet paper on your heel.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Congrats to Lindsay Lohan for successfully portraying what happens to mean girls after high school.
I may be ugly but I used to be uglier
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”