If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
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*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.