request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
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wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.