I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
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Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
#parenting
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right