I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
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Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
The internet is magic sometimes.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies