@heyjaadu

I use proper syntax and punctuation on all of my tweets, unless I am in danger of exceeding the 140 character limit…

& then u no how it b

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@LukeErd

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

@AGreaterMonster

This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.

@thenatewolf

Using Instagram as my only data set, I estimate my friend’s food budget to be about $78,000 a year.

@garrydavenport

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

@dumbbeezie

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

@Pinky_0917

Open bottle, allow it to breathe. If it does not look like it’s breathing, give it mouth to mouth -Beer

@ArfMeasures

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

@desusnice

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

@chuuew

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

@Kirangandhi

My english teacher was a fan of CAPITAL punishment. She despised small letters