I use proper syntax and punctuation on all of my tweets, unless I am in danger of exceeding the 140 character limit…

& then u no how it b

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You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”


This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.


Using Instagram as my only data set, I estimate my friend’s food budget to be about $78,000 a year.


“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats


Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists


Open bottle, allow it to breathe. If it does not look like it’s breathing, give it mouth to mouth -Beer


[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier


remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer


[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already


My english teacher was a fan of CAPITAL punishment. She despised small letters