If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..