I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

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The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.


Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. “Attempt 7 of 25”.


[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.



You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable


(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY


Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.


I am now running out of paper towels.


Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.


ubereats: u look hungry

me: ya

ubereats: but ur so fuckin lazy

me: ya

ubereats: i bet little piggy wants a 15 dollar ice cream cone delivered

me: ya


[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone