@laurenmacdonald

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

You Might Also Like

@anerdonfire2

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

@thegynomite

Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. “Attempt 7 of 25”.

@psybermonkey

[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.

Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

@LoveNLunchmeat

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

@sophielou

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

@007Pepe_Rex

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

@trevso_electric

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

@thombodytolove

ubereats: u look hungry

me: ya

ubereats: but ur so fuckin lazy

me: ya

ubereats: i bet little piggy wants a 15 dollar ice cream cone delivered

me: ya

@internetluke

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone