I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
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Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
im all 3
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
You are what you delete.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters