@PellMull

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

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@P1ssed_K1d

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

@Ygrene

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

@motrboatr

There’s no toilet paper in this stall so I guess I live here now.

@diaruba74

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

@RxitWounds

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

@jamiesont

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

@ShellHasDragons

Due to my diabetic meds, I’ve lost significant weight everywhere except my face cheeks. I’m officially a squirrel.

@Tmoney68

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

@Kids_kubed

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

@IjeomaOluo

FYI: Telling an atheist you will pray for them as some sort of insult is about as threatening as telling them that you are going to take a nap for them.