I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
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Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you