I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

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My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.


[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]


There’s no toilet paper in this stall so I guess I live here now.


My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”


[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle


Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.


Due to my diabetic meds, I’ve lost significant weight everywhere except my face cheeks. I’m officially a squirrel.


Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.


Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?


FYI: Telling an atheist you will pray for them as some sort of insult is about as threatening as telling them that you are going to take a nap for them.