I use to bleach my bangs so I know about regret.

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I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.


I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.


I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.


Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?” She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.


My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake


To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.


Him: You’re so good to me. I don’t deserve you.

Her: Know what? You’re right. Pack your shit.


[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?