My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
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I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot