I use to bleach my bangs so I know about regret.

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Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice


“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”


How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.


I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.


Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs


Note to self: Don’t wear a skirt when getting a pedicure. Also, wear underwear.


Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.


So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?


We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around


Living well is the best revenge. Hitting them with your car is a close second, though.