@Eric_Bader

I use to bleach my bangs so I know about regret.

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@Contwixt

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

@illTortuga

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

@iRowlf

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

@CauseWereGuys

Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?” She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.

@YSK_MOtiVe

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

@TheGoodGodAbove

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

@tweetsvisual

Him: You’re so good to me. I don’t deserve you.

Her: Know what? You’re right. Pack your shit.

@david8hughes

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?