“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
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My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I like long walks away from everyone
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.