I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
doctor: I鈥檓 afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that鈥檚 too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
the only reason i鈥檓 gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband鈥檚 dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn鈥檛 a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It鈥檚 freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don鈥檛 look desperate
Did you file your cat correctly today?..馃搨馃悎馃搨馃槄
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Good man! 馃懄馃徎馃槨馃挭馃憤
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Standing at life鈥檚 crossroads: embarking on a master鈥檚 degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today鈥檚 market.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium