@Dawn_M_

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

- @Dawn_M_

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@onlinepope

I apologize for referring to your newborn baby as a Questionable Spinoff

@Sarcasticsapien

I wanna learn to speak Italian. Partially to go to Italy but mostly so I can pretend I don’t know English when people wanna make small talk.

@badAzz_mom

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

@ilovepie84

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

@whatbabytalk

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

@fro_vo

Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news

Leonardo: what’s the good news

Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers

Raphael: what’s the bad news

Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole

@DurtMcHurtt

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

@moreki_mo

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

@Jasmin__Kaur

Me talking to someone five years older than me: ah yes we’re practically the same age

Me speaking to someone six months younger than me: hello small child, it’s a big ol’ world out there

@SilverKick

Emotions don’t scare me. People who manage to hide theirs completely, do.