I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
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Doggies just call it style.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
groan^2
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets