I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
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If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.