I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
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If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
lmfao come on
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…