I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
You Might Also Like
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point