@mikeym00n

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

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@imence2

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

@TheBoydP

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

@LiftHeavyAndRun

@funTweeters you guys are my favorite thing about Twitter. I suggest we get pant less and hug this out like men.

@2Saddington

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

@UncleDuke1969

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

@BigJDubz

[The Matrix, dog version]

Dog Morpheus: Take the grey pill, the story ends but if you take the grey pill I’ll show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes

Dog Neo: *Already eaten both pills* RABBITS?!

@TidBox

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

@KimmyMonte

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

@1MeLrO

I get my best cardio at the grocery store because I never make a list

And back to isle 3 and repeat