I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
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Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
“i am a sweet baby”
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.