My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
You Might Also Like
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
hmm conte-me mais
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot