Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’

Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

[Crossword]

7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER

Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

911: what room is the body in

me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”