I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
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[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.