PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
You Might Also Like
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]