@omgthatspunny

I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.

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@duplicitron

You’re hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, “No one will ever believe you.”

@kimtopher22

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

@caithuls

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

@TravLeBlanc

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

@DadandBuried

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

@envydatropic

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

@suzieQ0007

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

@ArfMeasures

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

@3sunzzz

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.