@omgthatspunny: I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
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@UnFitz: Things that interrupt sex: 20s: drunk roommate walks in on you 30s: kids walk in on you 40s: spouse walks in on you 50s: foot cramp
@ag_loco: Things I haven't seen in a while: 1) the 2yo I'm babysitting today 2) a man 3) my waist-line 4) my imaginary goat, Bill 5) my sanity
@Just__J0: A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can't find your phone.
@TitansHomer: How do Mexicans cut their pizza? With Little Ceasars *drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage*