I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.

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You’re hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, “No one will ever believe you.”


You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.


ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure


I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.


60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.


Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.


Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.


Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?


I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.