I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
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Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.