Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
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Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
Wife. Would you cut the label off my dress.
Me. Sure *Snip* There you go.
Me. No problem.
*Kicks pony tail under bed.
*Slips my number to your dog as I leave your party*
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.