@squirrel74wkgn

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

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@KielyHealey

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

@sophgaston

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

@Staggfilms

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

@garrettbarry70

Wife. Would you cut the label off my dress.

Me. Sure *Snip* There you go.

Wife. Thanks.

Me. No problem.

*Kicks pony tail under bed.

@sarahcpr

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

@lgbk44

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

@rickolantern

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

@pixelatedboat

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

@JElvisWeinstein

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.