I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
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ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.