I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
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Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Confused owl: What?!
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Rambo Rambow
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness