I used to be jealous of people with nice cars, now I’m jealous of people who can process saturated fats.

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me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket


“Morning guys”


– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses


[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]


I’m watching a French show and the guy says, “oui, non, potato,” and the subtitles translate it to, “yes, no, maybe.”


ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.


I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.


Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?


I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.


MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were


I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!