I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I’m impecunious.

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I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.


Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.


The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.


If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches


me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}


I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding


Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull


Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.


[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here