I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I’m impecunious.

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Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?



Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other


I’ve invented a new kind of waffle maker that makes 300 waffles per minute whether you want it to or not


Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.


*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.


Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day


1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait