“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
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No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police