I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

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*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*


I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???



date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good


Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.


“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now


[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside


I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok


i had to discipline my pet rock

so yes i have hit rock bottom


Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.