*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
You Might Also Like
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
i had to discipline my pet rock
so yes i have hit rock bottom
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.