When a coworker pisses me off, I like to write his name down for 23 boxes of girl scout cookies on the form in the break room
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
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I’ll stab someone if they hurt my kids. Or touch my nachos.
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Nobody is normal on twitter Nigeria 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.