@TitansHomer

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

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@Papa_Mex

When a coworker pisses me off, I like to write his name down for 23 boxes of girl scout cookies on the form in the break room

@sammyrhodes

One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.

@BoogTweets

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

@Pabloayodeji

Nobody is normal on twitter Nigeria 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

@Lin_Baker

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

@kbnoswag

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

@therealnauman1

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.