@AllanForsyth

I used to go dumpster diving but eventually concluded that my local swimming pool was a better place to do it.

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@stephenjmolloy

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

@damagedave

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

@House_Feminist

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

@StumpWoodley

The first time I bit into a Cadbury egg I understood women who spit.

@hippieswordfish

ME: isn’t this great??
WIFE: not really
ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what’s wrong

@AlmightyBored

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

@GermanFreckles

No, cough syrup, you’re not grape flavoured. Have you ever tasted a grape? You taste like death and the tears of small children, not grape.