I used to go dumpster diving but eventually concluded that my local swimming pool was a better place to do it.

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<password is weak>
<password is feeling a little better>


She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster


My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.


The first time I bit into a Cadbury egg I understood women who spit.


ME: isn’t this great??
WIFE: not really
ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what’s wrong


During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.


No, cough syrup, you’re not grape flavoured. Have you ever tasted a grape? You taste like death and the tears of small children, not grape.