I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
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Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”