@QwertyJones3

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

You Might Also Like

@UnFitz

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

@excesstential

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

@causticbob

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

@RodLacroix

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

@AJslackie

I did it again, I put way too much hairspray on my back hair, now I can’t sleep.

@22_Minutes

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

@trojansauce

DATE: *takes a sip of her water*
ME: haha ok wow can you tone down the pda you’re behaving very erotically