I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
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Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”