I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
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Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
What the hell is going on?
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.