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@the_hawlk: "i used to live in india, now I live in indiana"
"is there a difference?"
@NewDadNotes: God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
@trevso_electric: On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
@RobDenBleyker: Butt weight. There's more!
@david8hughes: "Have u seen my cat?"
"I saw a cat down the road?"
"Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?"
"No, the one I saw was dead."
@ThaJawn: Kangaroo: *takes baby out of pouch
Me: *takes chapstick out of fanny pack
**simultaneous nods of respect**