I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
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7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Wouldst the genuine Slim Shady kindly arise?
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.