“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
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I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”