“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”


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“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?


Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.


reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback


“Why’d you name me Carson, dad?”

You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It’s time for tablemeal.


There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.


I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes


“I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!”


I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?