“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
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“Why’d you name me Carson, dad?”
You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It’s time for tablemeal.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
“I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?