@the_hawlk

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

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@YuckyTom

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

@TheTweetOfGod

Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.

@robwhisman

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

@George_404

“Why’d you name me Carson, dad?”

You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It’s time for tablemeal.

@TheBoydP

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

@Matt_The_Fist

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

@ianduhig

“I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!”

@Samiam556

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?