“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
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I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.