I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
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Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult