I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
You Might Also Like
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person