@AngryRaccoon2

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

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@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

@adamgreattweet

In an alternate universe, horses wearing fancy hats watch humans run the Kentucky Derby

@themicheniche

Friend: What’s wrong? You seem so distressed

Me: I’m just not sure I’m ready to talk about it

F:

M: Well, OK. It’s just that I think a new shaker of salt wouldn’t be that hard to find in Margaritaville

@welfarehoe

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

@Kristen_Arnett

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

@KPsych29

I always wear black. That way I’m ready, at any given moment, for an impromptu night out or your funeral, whatever.

@elle91

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

@GashleyMadison

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

@Adar79Angie

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

@SteveKoehler22

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.