I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
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[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.