I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

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The human body is 70 percent water?? *looks at a glass of water* damn girl


I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.


2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!



Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.


I don’t mean to sound like a hypochondriac but I was diagnosed with the flu today & I feel like it’s been coming on for a few years now.


Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer


Kid 1 swallows coin= rush to ER

Kid 2 swallows coin= wait til it passes

Kid 3 swallows coin= deduct from allowance.


*Sees ant carrying a leaf that weighs 3x its body weight*

Wife: Can you imagine being that strong?

Me: *Picking up leaf* Yes.


Apparently it’s not acceptable to moan when someone is demonstrating a choke hold on you in crisis prevention training.