I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
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My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
If you need a laugh.. 😅
what does he know…
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
We cut our bangs at dawn.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”