every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
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Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep