Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
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As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!