@_steamy_mac

I used to skateboard 15 hours a day and now I have to stop and rest half way through putting my socks on.

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@ComedicBust

*Speed Dating*

Me: What’d you have for lunch?

Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit…

Me: NEXT!!

@JimmerThatisAll

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

@portmanteauface

My parents made me join the boy scouts and one time we got merit badges for putting our fingerprints on file for the cops and I put rubber cement on my fingertips first in case you were wondering how early I started playing the long game

@direlog

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

@fuzzlime

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

@trentistweeting

WIFE: you’re so overly dramatic
ME: no i’m not [10 hired backup singers burst through the wall shouting “no he’s not”] dammit guys, not now

@FlyJ_

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

@OhhScarlet23

My husband and I have been in an open marriage for five years. I hope he’s ok with it when he finds out.

@Carbosly

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.