I used to skateboard 15 hours a day and now I have to stop and rest half way through putting my socks on.

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*Speed Dating*

Me: What’d you have for lunch?

Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit…

Me: NEXT!!


I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.


My parents made me join the boy scouts and one time we got merit badges for putting our fingerprints on file for the cops and I put rubber cement on my fingertips first in case you were wondering how early I started playing the long game


i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved


i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy


WIFE: you’re so overly dramatic
ME: no i’m not [10 hired backup singers burst through the wall shouting “no he’s not”] dammit guys, not now


*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend


My husband and I have been in an open marriage for five years. I hope he’s ok with it when he finds out.


My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.