“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
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STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I’m having an out of money experience.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Ape together strong
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”