@lincnotfound

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

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@wolfpupy

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

@oliivermarten

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

@Mikecanrant

A huge gorgeous butterfly landed on my arm just now. Naturally I screamed and flailed my arms around frantically, but lovely really.

@kumailn

“Well we’ve been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever.” – cops in GTA 5

@Megatronic13

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

@3sunzzz

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

@MavenofHonor

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

@iamburtjarvis

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

@TeejayRush

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…