none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
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Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
A huge gorgeous butterfly landed on my arm just now. Naturally I screamed and flailed my arms around frantically, but lovely really.
“Well we’ve been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever.” – cops in GTA 5
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no
[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…